Guilt. The worse feeling possible. Probably the worst type of feeling ever. I need to leave. I know it.

Happy Sabbath

When you're sad, mad, happy, depressed, feeling lonely, excited, feeling any type of way, call on His Name. Makes you feel a lot better about life. Trust Me, I'm there right now. ~There is light at the end of the tunnel. <3

I won't miss you, 2011... I'm finally ready 2012

Wow.

That's how I can say 2011 went. I was hit with pain, agony and loss within the first week and things just just coming at me up until the end. I can say that this was was one of the worst and kind of in a way, the best, year that I have ever had. It was filled with so much emotions. This year, one of my dearest friends were taken away from me. One of my best friends. Yes I hadn't spoken to him in a long time, but the last time we spoke, it was great. I was so happy to hear from him because he was that one friend that always made you feel special even though you hadn't spoken in a while. I was really hurt by this loss because he was special. He was my sweetheart. He was a real friend. And you know what, I used to doubt what he thought, but in the end, I know, that he knew that our friendship was valued. (memories :) )

I also had to leave school. Something that I thought would never happen to me in a million years. It left me confused and hurt and questioning God's purpose for me. But again I saw who my true friends were and I realized that God placed special people in my lives. Without them, I don't think that I would have made it. I also got to see the true colors of certain people this year, good and bad. I also learned to appreciate friends and family a lot more.
I am also beginning to see what I want a little more in life and I feel like God maybe did this for me for a reason. For clarity.
I cried the most this year, I was the most depressed this year, and I felt hurt the most this year. I was also really bitter and mad at God. Because I don't understand why he let certain things happen, but I know that he has his reasons , so I'm not angry, but more sad. This year ht me with so much emotions. I lost a friend, but I also gained a loved one. Courtney. I love her. I'm so glad that this year is over. I'm so glad that 2012 is here. I'm so glad that I'm one year closer to eternal life. It's a struggle, but I'm working on it.
Towards the end of this month, since my birthday, and especially since his birthday, I have been so angry, bitter and sad. I don't know why, but I am not happy. I don't know why but it's going to change. God didn't put me here for no reason. So I'm going to live life to the fullest. I'm not going to make any resolutions, but I'm going to ask God to lead me and guide me. Make me a new person. That's all I want. I just want to make it in the end.

So to 2011: Goodbye, farewell. You've done enough damage to my heart. I want to live life the way God wants me to and I'm actually ready to take on what life has to offer. I'm done.

I'm ready 2012.

Invisible

Sometimes I feel invisible. Sometimes I feel like no one really cares. Sometimes I feel like I'm not interesting so no one really wants to be near me. I don't like attention and neither am I crying out for it, but I can't help but feel this way. Sad thing is that, I've always felt like this ever since I was  very young, I can actually say by memory since 2 or 3. Left out, and last for everything. I guess my dad was right. I'm last for everything and will always be the last.

Neverland

So  I just finished the movie Neverland starring Johnny Depp(I love him!!!!) and Kate Winslet (she's awesome too :) ). And must I say, that movie is a serious tear-jerker. Human love and compassion is something that is so deep and profound, when done the right way. This man- Mr. Barrie, runs into a family, a mother with four boys- The Davies- and shows compassion and love towards them by becoming a great family friend and entertaining them. He encourages the boys imagination and play time and spends a lot of time with the family with no intention of trying to do anything with their mother. He was friendly and it was a true friendship till the end until she died. Yes he could have left his own wife to be with the woman, but he didn't. The wife ended up leaving him first and she cheated on him. She was especially threatened by the other woman and threatened their marriage. Which is sad because Mr.Barrie saw that the family needed him. Nobody else did what he did for that family. As the mother was dying he was able to distract the kids with play time and having them use their imaginations. I know that it's just a movie but, it was so sweet to see someone actually have love and compassion and just truly help a family in need by just being there for them. We don't see that so often in this time and age anymore. This movie was very bittersweet. Especially when you see how one of the children was hit hard already with his father passing away and then now his mother. But it was lovely to see Mr.Barrie come in and become a guardian of the children, the best decision that the mother made. This movie was innocent but so sincere and profound on so many levels to me. I'm glad that they made it simple that way. Great movie.

Can't help but feel so discouraged. I wish I was graduating next year or at least the year after. I feel so sad and I wish I understood why God let this happen to me.

I want my voice back.  Is that too much to ask for?