I won't miss you, 2011... I'm finally ready 2012

Wow.

That's how I can say 2011 went. I was hit with pain, agony and loss within the first week and things just just coming at me up until the end. I can say that this was was one of the worst and kind of in a way, the best, year that I have ever had. It was filled with so much emotions. This year, one of my dearest friends were taken away from me. One of my best friends. Yes I hadn't spoken to him in a long time, but the last time we spoke, it was great. I was so happy to hear from him because he was that one friend that always made you feel special even though you hadn't spoken in a while. I was really hurt by this loss because he was special. He was my sweetheart. He was a real friend. And you know what, I used to doubt what he thought, but in the end, I know, that he knew that our friendship was valued. (memories :) )

I also had to leave school. Something that I thought would never happen to me in a million years. It left me confused and hurt and questioning God's purpose for me. But again I saw who my true friends were and I realized that God placed special people in my lives. Without them, I don't think that I would have made it. I also got to see the true colors of certain people this year, good and bad. I also learned to appreciate friends and family a lot more.
I am also beginning to see what I want a little more in life and I feel like God maybe did this for me for a reason. For clarity.
I cried the most this year, I was the most depressed this year, and I felt hurt the most this year. I was also really bitter and mad at God. Because I don't understand why he let certain things happen, but I know that he has his reasons , so I'm not angry, but more sad. This year ht me with so much emotions. I lost a friend, but I also gained a loved one. Courtney. I love her. I'm so glad that this year is over. I'm so glad that 2012 is here. I'm so glad that I'm one year closer to eternal life. It's a struggle, but I'm working on it.
Towards the end of this month, since my birthday, and especially since his birthday, I have been so angry, bitter and sad. I don't know why, but I am not happy. I don't know why but it's going to change. God didn't put me here for no reason. So I'm going to live life to the fullest. I'm not going to make any resolutions, but I'm going to ask God to lead me and guide me. Make me a new person. That's all I want. I just want to make it in the end.

So to 2011: Goodbye, farewell. You've done enough damage to my heart. I want to live life the way God wants me to and I'm actually ready to take on what life has to offer. I'm done.

I'm ready 2012.

Invisible

Sometimes I feel invisible. Sometimes I feel like no one really cares. Sometimes I feel like I'm not interesting so no one really wants to be near me. I don't like attention and neither am I crying out for it, but I can't help but feel this way. Sad thing is that, I've always felt like this ever since I was  very young, I can actually say by memory since 2 or 3. Left out, and last for everything. I guess my dad was right. I'm last for everything and will always be the last.

Neverland

So  I just finished the movie Neverland starring Johnny Depp(I love him!!!!) and Kate Winslet (she's awesome too :) ). And must I say, that movie is a serious tear-jerker. Human love and compassion is something that is so deep and profound, when done the right way. This man- Mr. Barrie, runs into a family, a mother with four boys- The Davies- and shows compassion and love towards them by becoming a great family friend and entertaining them. He encourages the boys imagination and play time and spends a lot of time with the family with no intention of trying to do anything with their mother. He was friendly and it was a true friendship till the end until she died. Yes he could have left his own wife to be with the woman, but he didn't. The wife ended up leaving him first and she cheated on him. She was especially threatened by the other woman and threatened their marriage. Which is sad because Mr.Barrie saw that the family needed him. Nobody else did what he did for that family. As the mother was dying he was able to distract the kids with play time and having them use their imaginations. I know that it's just a movie but, it was so sweet to see someone actually have love and compassion and just truly help a family in need by just being there for them. We don't see that so often in this time and age anymore. This movie was very bittersweet. Especially when you see how one of the children was hit hard already with his father passing away and then now his mother. But it was lovely to see Mr.Barrie come in and become a guardian of the children, the best decision that the mother made. This movie was innocent but so sincere and profound on so many levels to me. I'm glad that they made it simple that way. Great movie.

Can't help but feel so discouraged. I wish I was graduating next year or at least the year after. I feel so sad and I wish I understood why God let this happen to me.

I want my voice back.  Is that too much to ask for?

....

I can't help but feel this way. And I can't stand it. I feel stuck, uncertain, blank and I also feel a twinge of jealousy. I feel like life is moving for everyone but me. I feel like everything just stopped. I feel like I gave up on life without even realizing it... I was supposed to let go, but I can't help but feel this way.. Have mercy Father :/ I don't know  what to do...

Let Go

All it takes it just one deep breath and months of learning to let go. Over the last couple of days I made a final decisions to just breath and let everything go. Everything. And its hard.  It takes days to remind yourself that God has your back, and it shouldn't. I finally told God that I was going to leave everything in His hands and sometime I find myself worrying about what I'm going to do next. I didn't realize how hard it would be but I'm willing to fight the fight. But I must say that I've found myself I little bit more happier lately. I also feel like I can breath a little better. He really does have my back :)

Just go..

Damn, you're the only one that I can see in my dreams.... when will you disappear?

9/11/01

Wow. So it's been ten years. The fastest ten years of my life, where did the time go? That day was probably the worst days of my life. I still remember it. I didn't really know anything was going on until the end of the day when I noticed that students were being picked up by their parents at school. I was in the sixth grade at woodrow wilson middle school. When I got on the bus to go home, kids were talking about it but it did't sound too serious. It was until I got home and my aunt told me to go on t.v so that I can see. I was in shock, mortified. I didn't waste anytime going straight to bed and falling asleep to avoid the pain that the world was going through. I think I may have also cried. That was the scariest point in my life. I woke up later that night and only wanted to go to sleep again but I couldn't all we could do was watch t.v and call our loved ones who lived in n.y, but in vain, since all of the phone lines were busy. I have never seen anything like that in my life, and to think that this world will get worse?? Wow. I can't even really look at any of the videos or picture anymore without a knot growing in my throat. It's too painful for me. As much as I joke around and say that I don't like america, I can say that it truly pained me to see this turning point and how everything just dropped from there on. I really hurts to see something like this happen to us, but we are strong we are trying to make it through. When I think about this, I just know that this place is not home, I can't wait to get out of this place. Too much pain and evil. But it was also amazing to see the response from all over the world, it showed that there was some type of love amongst us. It was amazing to see the firefighters, police, and all types of volunteer workers come together to help each other through the pain. Man, I don't think I ever want to see anything like that happen again. I will never forget that day. Ever
9/11/01

Sometimes I wish that I had no emotions towards you. I wouldn't be feeling this way right now.

Love thyself..and everything else will fall into place

How can you want to love someone else, but not love yourself? That is a question that has been running through my mind a lot lately. Lately, since I'm getting a lot older, the word relationship has been coming up a lot more often. Girls has been wondering when will it happen for them and some are already in one, which is nice too. I think about it often myself and know that someday a lovely young will come out of nowhere and sweep me off the ground and blah blah blah :) LOL But moving on, sometimes I wonder, am I really ready to get to this new step, do I love myself enough to love someone else? I think that this is something that both male and female should think about. I think that many people just rush into I like him and he likes me factor but don't really think it through with their own self and if they love themselves enough. Because you can't just start taking care of something else if you haven't taken care of your own self first, if you haven't gotten your own priorities straight.. Just something to think about. Kisses for all.xoxo
-Sweetness <3

Parental Advisory: Mild Language

I don't so this or say this often but for once I must...ahem..cough, cough, cough:
FUCK OFF, and LEAVE ME AND MY BODY THE FUCK ALONE..
I feel a little better now... *sigh*

This is what I want to say when my parents or family member wants to say something about my weight..gosh like its never going to end.. gosh I get it I'm fat and I need to lose some weight. It's not the easiest thing to do in the world but can you just fuck off for once. Like don't they understand that bothering me and telling me what parts of MY BODY needs to be fixed won't help. Let me do this on my one. Forcing me and telling me over and over and over isn't encouraging. In fact it hurts me. Because I already know this, I've known it since I was a little chubby 10 year old. They're lucky that I'm not someone that locked my self away and only got fatter. They're lucky that I don't hate working out and that I eat food too much. Sometimes I wish that I can leave my house before everyone wakes up and get back home after everyone falls asleep just to avoid the subject coming out of someone's mouth. You think I'm comfortable in my own skin? Gosh I have plans for my body and my life but people reminding me about my weight isn't going to work. Shit, it hurts when people go ahead and say things like "you were gettting skinny, you skin was getting nice, and you were so pretty, but then you stopped"<---- what the hell is that supposed to mean?? I became ugly?? What?!!? I don't get it??!.... I refuse to let people shoot my confidence down and it took me a long way to get here.. so do me a favor and FUCK OFF until further notice.. Thank you and good night. smh

How do you say goodbye......

How do you say goodbye to someone when you're not ready to let them go...
How do you say goodbye when you never really got a chance to see them in long time..
How do you say goodbye to someone when you never got the chance to spend the time that you wanted to spend with them, when you wanted to tell them about your life, and you wanted to laugh, cry, and talk to them, when you never got a chance to exchange stories or tease each other..How do you say goodbye to someone you were just about to reconnect with..
How to do you let go when they were the one that you connected to the most, when they understood you the most and accepted you for your flaws and all.. How do you let go when they were you night and shining armor, your hero, and your best friend.. 
Honestly, I don't think you let go... I think you hold on to what you had without it hurting your future and what God has in store for you. 


Only God knows why he takes certain people away in your life, but I will never understand and will never let go. <3 Dragoon <3 *insider*